Pam

My name is Pam, I am 33 yrs. old. I was raised in Church, but never felt like it was "real". My family was from Kentucky, and very southern, I suppose the slang is Hillbilly. They came from the actual "hollar" of Salyersville, Kentucky. We were very poor, and Church was all they actually had to hang on too in life.

I never really understood the importance of it all while growing up. When I was very young I was molested by a family member, but could never tell my parents. By molesting, I mean he fondled me, but never used his body parts on me. One night my Mom read to all of us kids (I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters) the Bible. What she was reading was about "incest" and how it was wrong. Well I was only 6-7 yrs old at the time, but that really stuck in me. 

A week or so later, the "person" who was molesting me came in my room, (which I shared with my baby twin sisters), and started touching me again. I felt so sick inside as before, and I pretended I was asleep as usual. But this time I kicked him all the way across the room, and he landed in the dresser!! He never touched me again after that day. But he did my baby sisters for years, and I didn't know it. ( I carried the guilt of this for many years upon finding out) 

When I was 9 yrs. old my grandpa died. Oh how I loved him, he was a Baptist Preacher. He was the most precious man I have ever met. He loved me so much, he would sit and wait with me for the bus, under a tree with his Bible across his lap reading. My grandfather NEVER LEARNED TO READ!!! But he prayed and prayed and somehow, the Lord opened his mind to be able to read the Bible!! Any way, when he died, I was so crushed. When I heard of his death from my older brother, I laughed out loud!! Then ran into the bathroom, and lost my mind. (had to go to a psychiatrist  for my inability to handle situations later in life) My Mom who was in tremendous grief at the time, said to me, "why are you crying? didn't you say everyone has to die sometime?" I was only 9 years old!! I was totally crushed. 

I went a bit "crazy" after that, I would talk to myself, and walk around in circles in the house with my head hung low. My Mom, one time grabbed me and shook me, and yelled and screamed at me to straighten up. I never grew up hearing "I love you", I never received hugs. It just was not done in my house. And if we did hug our Mom or tell her we loved her, she always responded like this, "what do you want?" The night my grandpa died changed my life. I had to go sleep with my grandma that night cause she had a bad heart also, and no one would. All the adults were afraid she would die in the night, so they opted that a 9 yr. old child should stay with her. How bizarre!! They actually woke me up out of my bed, to go stay with her. I ended up moving in with me grandma at 10 yrs. old. She was partially blind, had to use a white cane to get around. 

I lived with her until she died, I was 16 yrs old. While living with her, I tried to kill myself by gas, I blew out all pilot lights to the stove and turned on the gas. But, she came home right after. I had to move back in with my parents, which I hated!! I didn't think they loved me or wanted me. And I didn't want to be there with them. 

I was raped 2 weeks after my grandma died, and that put me through another stage of life. Before the rape, I had never seen a naked man, nor kissed a boy before. I had never smoked or drank, never had a boyfriend. But that night my whole life once again was changed. I was FORCED to drink, he actually pulled my hair from the back and forced schnapps down my throat!! It was awful, I can't even or don't even want to go there. I was dumped off at the school entrance way, covered in blood, reeking of booze, drunk and crying. Oh I was so ashamed!!! I knew now I was going to "hell" for sure because in my mind I was a "whore". A friend of mine took me to her house, her Mom gave me a "bath" and washed my clothes!! 

My Mom came and picked me up. And I will never ever forget the words she said to me through her pain, she said, "do you feel like a woman now!?" Oh man, talk about kicking someone when your down. That clinched it for me, I was a "whore" now, and God hated me, like my Mom did. The doctor's who examined me, told my Mom I was "cut" up inside and bleeding worse than if I was on a period. I started drinking, smoking pot, and skipping school after that. The boy was never charged for rape, not enough "evidence". Later I found out after me, he raped a 6th and 7th grader also.... 

I got married at 17 and moved out. I was 6wks pregnant when I married. We moved to Illinois, and I had a miscarriage. I called my Mom crying, and again not a very compassionate conversation. She said this to me, "well Pam, God corrects his mistakes, maybe something was wrong with the baby." Not to mention she never let anyone know I was pregnant, due to shame on the family. 

I was married close to 5 years, thought I was the most lucky woman in the world. Until one day again my life crashed around me...One of my baby twin sisters accused my husband of trying to rape her. Well...it was all messed up. I confronted him and he said NO WAY, but let us lay all of our "cards out on the table" He told me he cheated on me, with our apartment "caretaker". WOW talk about a huge blow. I left him and took my little daughter with me. Later I found out that he had at least 7 affairs that I confirmed, probably more. In his words they were accidents. I couldn't live without him, so I went back to him. But things were never ever the same. 

I got drunk one night and he actually RAPED ME while passed out, he performed "sodomy" on me, and boasted about it the next day. I was stuck now, I didn't have anywhere to go, I was so full of shame. 

I met a man that became my knight in shining armor so to speak. He and I had a lot in common, he was raised Pentecostal/Baptist as I was, he was born in Sept. as I was, he loved horror movies as I did, his Mom was an evangelist, my Mom was an Ordained Preacher. WOW this man was sent from GOD. I left my husband because he told me that if I stayed I was going to be a "wife" and that meant in bed too. So I asked if I could go to my sister's with our daughter for a little bit. I left and did not return. I moved in with my "knight". 

My husband had visitation of our 2 yr old and during this time, her behavior really really changed. She started acting very strange with Barbie dolls and her Raggedy Ann doll. I found her doing "sexual things" to these dolls and with these dolls. Then one night, she was moving her pelvic back and forth, and said in her innocent way, "this is what daddy does to me"!!! I lost my mind!!! I knew that this was all my fault. He was molesting my daughter, because I wasn't there to "feed his sexual appetite". This was what frame of mind I was in. So I would actually go and have sex with him before visitation thinking that, if I did that he wouldn't touch her anymore. There was an investigation, but not enough "evidence". Story of my life. 

I ended up getting pregnant and didn't know who's baby it was. My husband's or my "knights". Well my "knight" moved to Florida for a better job opportunity, and was going to send for me later. During that time, I was so messed up I didn't know which way was up. I ended up getting back with my husband. I had a baby boy, and my husband said right after his birth, I mean right after, he is not mine... 

Not long after that I found out that my baby sister was having an affair with my husband. It started off by him molesting her at the age of 10 and just continued. When I found out, she was 21-22 married and had a baby. Talk about hating life and everyone around!!! I went on a complete and total nut then. I drank, ran around with anyone and everyone, my oldest sister took care of my 2 kids for me. And I became a "hot piece of property" around town. I lost a lot of weight and used it all to my advantage. I was going to prove that I was "loveable" I was pretty. 

Well about a year later, I moved to Fl. with that "knight" of mine. Lived there for about a year I think, had a little baby girl named Savannah Rose. Up until this time, I had tried to commit suicide 4 times, once while pregnant with Savannah. What stopped me was I heard a voice tell me I was pregnant and it was one thing to take my life, but this baby did nothing to deserve death. 

I left him, moved home. And ran around like a cheap whore!! I started working at a fast food restaurant. People always gave me compliments on how beautiful I was, and how could someone that looks like me work in a "fast food restaurant" blah blah blah.   No one could ever guess my age, because I didn't look my age, dress my age or hang out with people my age. My husband moved back in with me, but I was never faithful to him for long. You see I found out in Florida he slept around while he was "waiting for me" and lied to me about it. So in my carnal revengeful mind, I had to make up for all the women he had by having affair also, I could not get back at him or my first husband enough. I always justified my actions by their past. So sad...

 Well I straightened up a bit, but he and I broke up. I wanted to make a career out of my job. So I really cleaned up, because one day I wanted to be an owner operator of my own restaurant. I worked very very hard, and ran shifts by myself with very little help. And I was on the ladder to success. Still had a downfall though, during this time I was dating a teenage boy, he was 17 going on 18 and I was 27... 

During long hard shifts without days off. I was tired all the time, and cranky. I worked the night shift so I didn't get home until 2-3 am in the morning. So in the mornings when my daughter and step daughter (which lived with me, instead of her father) went to school I would lay on the sofa trying to stay awake. But most of the time it did not work. And Savannah and D.J. would be into everything imaginable. Oh the messes I would wake up to!! One day she had gotten into the eggs and threw them all over her bedroom, she asked me if I was "mad" I would say "yes" she would then say, " I taking a nap" and go to sleep!! Gerbils would be hidden in tight places, coffee would be all over kitchen, pepper on the burners of the stove. It was a very very sad time I was raising my kids in...trying to make something of myself and working all the time, I had no time to be a mom and didn't know how to be one. I never spanked them, or yelled at them, and I would hug them and would always tell them they were pretty, smart and that I loved them. But those were words, my babies needed action's not words. 

Savannah had started talking about God and Jesus a lot. She would point and say to me, "Mommy do you see them, they are beautiful, they love me so much." She would describe them in her little 2 yr old way. She was very smart, I thought she was a baby genius actually because she spoke and talked like an adult most of the time. One day she said to me while I was laying with her in bed, "Mommy, there is JESUS look Mommy He loves me," " do you love Jesus Mommy?" I quickly told her to go to sleep, and left the room.... 

A few weeks later, I had 3 day's off!!! WOW actually 3 days off in a row. I decided that these days were dedicated to my babies, Jess, D.J. and Savannah. I let my step daughter go away with her friends and it was just us. I had a wonderful time with them, I truly did. The day I was to return to work, my life for real crashed and tumbled on me as never before.... 

The kids were outside with an uncle and cousins playing. Earlier it was raining and Savannah wanted to go outside so bad, I told her no that it was raining. She lay down with me on the couch, and grabbed my face in her two little hands and said to me words I will never forget," I LOVE YOU, MOMMY" we fell asleep in each other arms for the last time ever.. 

While outside playing, my step daughter was dropped off. My nieces and 6 yr old came in following, cause they wanted to see my reaction to my step daughter's shaven head. I yelled at them and asked, "where are my babies?" go watch them. Then, the next moment is something that is imprinted for life in my mind...my niece came running in and all she said was SAVANNAH!! 

I dropped everything and ran outside, there on the road laying in a pool of blood from her head, mouth, and nose was my baby girl. One shoe on, one off, fishing pole clutched in her hand. I ran, oh, God did I run to her, I looked up and saw the lady that dropped my step daughter off, crouched down behind her truck screaming I DIDN'T SEE HER OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE HER!!! 

I found strength from somewhere, I yelled, "call 911".  I knelt down beside her, and touched her face. I said, "Savannah wake up!", then I yelled at her in an authoritative voice, "Vanna, MOMMY SAID WAKE UP!!" She didn't. I picked her up, I couldn't handle people coming out of their houses looking at her and me as if we were the 10 o'clock thriller. I ran into my house clutching on to her for dear life. I laid her down on the floor, tried to clear out her passage ways, but she was blue-purple. 

That was June 2nd 1996 at 12:50 pm on Sunday... 

On June 30 1996, 28 days after I lost her, I lost my dad in a freak car accident. 

I lost my mind, I lost my job, I lost my self respect, I lost my identity also. I found out that all of our life our Dad was lying to us, about our heritage. I found out instead of him being 3/4 Indian as he always said, that his father was Black and his mother was Indian, and that he was never divorced from his first wife, which was his 1st cousin, and he had 3 kids besides us 6, and I knew GOD hated me. I knew that all of my life was meant to be a joke to GOD. And He hated me. 

I went into the mental hospital 3 times, last time was March 2000. Before this last time, I tried to reconcile with my Knight/husband in 97'. But it was a joke, I couldn't leave the house for 6 months because of panic attacks, I drank all the time and was on xanax and prozac. When I finally was better we went to bars all the time, he had his own band and was the singer. And all we did was party, I was on the verge of having an affair with a WOMAN which my "Knight" thought was "cool". This was not the first time, a woman had "come" on too me and I was "flattered" by the attention. But I knew it was wrong, and I never could or would cross that line completely. 

Though money was never the issue during this time because he made over $100,000 a year that is when I found out $$$ doesn't bring happiness or respect. No hope, no will to live, no self respect, I was an alcoholic "secretly", I smoked pot everyday 5-6 times a day, I took pills, I hated myself, I hated GOD, I certainly didn't love Jesus Christ. BUT...something always inside of me defended HIM desired HIM. 

One day I heard a voice it was audible to me, maybe not to other's but to me it was, and it said "I WILL DESTROY YOU". I was so scared I knew I was crazy, I needed help, I needed forgiveness, I needed to know that someone LOVED ME, for ME not for my looks, not for my body, not for what I could give them today, not because they "had" too, but LOVED ME. 

I met a wonderful man and we were married 4 days before my mental break down in March 2000. He is the most loving compassion, sincere man I have ever met. And for the first time in my life I can truly say, I Love Him. But it wasn't enough, I knew there was something more, SOMEONE who could make me feel complete and whole. 

I asked through many tears, Jesus Christ to come into my heart in May of 2000. I never in my life felt more shame, than I did that day before He came in. I could not lift my head, I could not speak words through the weeping and wailing. I was broken to the point if He did not come in that day to my heart I would not be here today. And I know the very moment He came in and cleansed me and forgave me and set up a new heart of flesh inside of me. I FELT IT!!! 

I felt the world of sin, bitterness, lust, hate, deception, guilt all LIFT off of me, in an instant. I felt as if I could float, I would laugh and cry and smile and cry I never felt a joy like that in my life. I felt a peace that came over me, from the top of my head to the very soles of my feet that felt like a warm thick covering, I knew I was in the arms of Jesus Christ and HE REALLY DID LOVE ME. 

Since then, I have had a thirst for Him and for His WORD, I love Prophecy and the BOOK of Revelation, I search and read a lot, I study a lot, I have a lot of questions. There is still healing to be done in my life that I do know. I still smoke cigarettes, at times I feel bitterness creep up on me, at times I feel rebellious and don't want to pray, I hear voices at times that tell me I am crazy that Jesus doesn't love me or I am not forgiven. 

I can't remember things because of all the medicines and street drugs I did, so I struggle with reading news stories or other's comment's on threads. But there are areas in my life that he has healed completely. I am a full time Mom, and a new wife to a wonderful man. He loves ME, and shows it in everyway I never imagined, from covering me up in the middle of the night on chilly nights when he thinks I am sleeping, to opening things like pop before he hands it to me, buying me the Bible on cassette tapes (though he is not saved and doesn't' understand the term, yet) 

I honestly believe with all that is within me that God made this man for me. I know this is rather lengthy, and probably boring. I do not know why I have had the kind of life I have had. But I do know that when I hear of other's in pain, or read News stories of someone's pain. I can honestly sympathize with a lot of different people. Because I have been there, I lived it, and I can honestly say to someone who has lost a child, been in an abusive marriage, been molested, raped, beaten, engaged in illicit sexual affairs, drug addicts, alcoholic's, work alcoholics, loneliness, loss of Father, being abandoned, I can honestly look them in the eyes and say "I KNOW YOUR PAIN" and I KNOW SOMEONE WHO WILL WIPE AWAY EVERY TEAR, FOR HE DID FOR ME, and I am not anyone special. That is why no matter what I face in this life for here on out, I will always be joyous_n_jesus. 

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